What The Boy Went Through In School

The Boy graduated from high school in May of 2011 so I really don't know why this has been on my mind so much.  I guess it all started with the survey the high school sent him last month.  They were asking for feedback from the graduates on what they thought about the school and the programs, etc so they could improve on them I guess.  They had won some awards and maybe wanted to do even better so they could win even more awards.  Yahooo on the freakin awards!

As I said in another post, the Boy was very negative about the school and his answers to almost all the questions reflected this "hatred" of the school.  I actually defended the school and got him to rate some of his negative answers a little less negatively, which he did.  I felt that if the school didn't do somewhat of a good job then he wouldn't have gotten into college and he wouldn't be doing as well as he is, right?  I mean he went from making D's and F's in high school to all A's and B's last semester in college and made the dean's list.  His overall GPA in high school was a 1.97 and his GPA now in college is a 3.05.  

Didn't high school prepare him for that?

The more I think about it though, the angrier I get.  I think about our life before the Boy started kindergarten and even though he wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's yet and even though we knew something wasn't right about the child, our lives were okay for the most part.   No anxiety, no depression. ( Well, okay there is still some of that, but without the unnecessary stress the school caused for many years.)

It wasn't until the Boy started school that the nightmare began.  Within a year I saw his self esteem drop.  By the end of first grade and rounds of parent teacher conferences, IEP's, testing for this and that and a letter to us from his teacher begging us to let him repeat 1st grade to "catch up", we were emotionally exhausted.  The Boy's self esteem dropped drastically.  And the years went on with each one causing more anxiety and depression for me and more hopelessness and anxiety for the Boy.

Parent Teacher conferences and IEP meetings became "let's point fingers at who's to blame for all of this".  Guess who got "blamed" the most?   Me.  I was outnumbered.  The Boy became a "behavioral issue" instead of someone who really needed help.  I became the person who couldn't control and discipline my child.  I had never even heard of Asperger's back then so I didn't even know how to defend myself or get the Boy the help he needed.  On one hand I knew I was doing everything I could to help him, above and beyond what I saw other mom's having to do, but on the other hand I thought they might be right.  I was a failure as a parent. 

It was a nightmare.

Yes, every year there was always one particular person, teacher or professional who really seemed to care and hold my hand to try to guide me in the right direction to help my son, but ultimately it was up to me.

The Boy was diagnosed with ADD in fourth grade after his teacher pointed out what I already knew and had seen. (what EVERYONE had seen)  I guess a new school, new teacher, new diagnosis.   ADD meds were added along with pretty much the same IEP.  ADD didn't get him that much more help back then.  I don't know if it's different now.  I hope so.

Then in eighth grade he was diagnosed with Asperger's from a psychiatrist he had been seeing for over a year to help coordinate his ADD medications.  The same one he still goes too and has treated him for depression and anxiety.

The Asperger's diagnosis seemed to get a little more help for him at the school, including qualifying him for help through Alabama Rehab, which is helping him get through college and eventually into the workforce.  Even then, things never worked the way they were suppose too but by high school I was too worn down to fight much anymore.  Luckily, the Boy just wanted to get out of that place and with the extra "help" he was receiving, he made it out.

Did it really have to be that bad?  It took him 14 years to graduate if you count kindergarten and repeating 1st grade, not to mention the 3 summers he went to summer school.  I look back now and I am furious!   Since he graduated a year and a half ago, our lives are so much different.  His self esteem is getting better,  I'm not depressed and worn down anymore.  I think I'm getting strong enough again to really be angry.  

Even tonight the Boy stated how he hated that school.  I almost wish I didn't make him change some of his negative answers on the survey they sent us.  They could use some change.   I can only hope they have changed now that there is so much information out there on Asperger's and Autism that may not have been available 15 years ago.

 I am still very mad at what they put the Boy and me through all those years!  

Yes, I don't blame the Boy for the way he feels about that school.  Just wish I could have changed things a long time ago so he wouldn't have had to go through all the crap.

Santa's Lap

I met my friend K today for lunch and Christmas shopping.  We decided not to take any chances and make sure Santa knows exactly what we want for Christmas, so we joined the line of 5 year olds to sit in his lap.  I joked with the Santa photographer that K was on the naughty list, but I was on the nice list.  I'm not sure if she believed me though.

K and I have been friends since 8th grade, but I am embarrassed to say that we haven't seen each other much the last 15 years.   I kept her son D when I had my daycare back when he and The Boy were preschoolers.  Then K had a little girl and quit work to stay home with her children, The Boy started kindergarten, I closed my daycare and then the years flew by.

While I've seen pictures of her daughter, I have never actually seen her in person and she's 15 years old now!  How did that happen?  We discussed it today.  Life just passes so fast and before you know it years go by.   I guess once The Boy started school my nightmare began.  IEP's, speech therapy, his zoning out in class, ADD, anxiety, depression, parent/teacher conferences, therapy appointments, then finally the Asperger's diagnosis when he was in 8th grade.  Where was I?  Buried in it all that's where!  Depressed at that point myself, trying to keep my head above water, trying to keep him up with me.

I am so thankful that K and I just picked right up where we left off last time we saw each other like it was yesterday instead of years ago.  I think I've only seen her maybe 3 times in the last 15 years, although we have kept up with each other on Facebook the past few years.

The Boy called today to tell me had two finals completed and 2 more to go and he thinks he made all A's and B's in his classes.  He's doing so much better in college than he did in high school.  I am so thankful for that.  And so thankful we made it through those rough years.

K and I didn't get much Christmas shopping done, but we did find some shoes we liked and then we had fun trying on the sequin Ugg boots and taking pictures and posting them on Twitter so our fashionable friend S could be totally disgusted by them.  We're just mature like that.

I did kind of like the pair below, but they didn't have my size.  The silver pair above just didn't do it for me.  Maybe it was just the way they clashed with the black tights.

World Autism Awareness Day

The month of April is World Autism Awareness month and today kicks it off with World Autism Awareness Day.  I have spent most of the afternoon reading autism news, blogs, articles, etc., anything related to Autism/Asperger's awareness.  It is so good that there is starting to be more information and support for families with children on the autism spectrum.  It is clear, however, that we still have a long way to go.

The Boy wasn't officially diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome until he was in 8th grade, yet looking back, all the signs were there.  I had never even heard about Asperger's or knew anyone who had it until he was diagnosed with it.  I knew something was wrong, but something related to autism was not even considered.   The Boy's dad and family mostly blamed bad parenting for the Boy's problems.  Bad parenting by me, of course.  I guess they considered the Boy's dad a "great" parent, but if that was the case then why didn't he step up to the plate and "correct" me if I was such a bad parent.  Are mom's always to blame?  I have to admit that I even started blaming myself and thought that maybe I was doing something wrong.  I began wearing myself ragged trying to be a better parent.

 The Boy was 10 years old when I filed for divorce from his father.  At that point, I started taking The Boy to a child psychologist.  The Boy's dad and I were fighting so much that I thought it probably wasn't a bad idea to get him into counseling.  I had tried to get him into counseling months before filing for divorce.  That didn't end up well when the psychologist asked The Boy who he liked better his mom or his dad.  When The Boy told his dad this, his dad hit the roof.  I suggested that next appointment, The Boy's dad come and we could get to the bottom of why this question was asked.  Needless to say, The Boy's dad got ugly and accusatory and the psychologist didn't have a chance to explain.  I just wanted to disappear.  I never made another appointment with him.

The new psychologist was a female child psychologist recommended through the court system.  She was very good and did help me in some of the more immediate problems I had with The Boy, such as getting him to sleep in his own bed and help during the stress of the divorce.  What I will never, ever understand is why, why, why did she not once see that The Boy had signs of Asperger's?  We saw her once or twice a month for five years.  It wasn't until The Boy was diagnosed with ADD and he was having stomach problems and withdrawal issues from his meds that the school advised me to take him to a psychiatrist to help coordinate his ADD meds.  This man, who we saw approximately once every 6 months for less than two years when he diagnosed The Boy with Asperger's.  Finally the answer!

It's difficult thinking of all the lost years The Boy could have had specific help for his diagnosis!  He fell through the cracks for so many years despite the school knowing something was wrong, me knowing something was wrong, my friends and other parents knowing something was wrong, but nobody know what that thing was.  That thing called Asperger's.

After the diagnosis I cried.  I was so relieved.  The Boy was relieved.  I know it must be hard and a blow for families to learn their child has an autism spectrum disorder when they are toddlers, but take my word for it, it's a blessing to know and to take action early than to not know and not get the help they need.  The Boy had had IEP's and speech therapy, but the diagnosis made him eligible for so much more of the help he needed.  Best of all it took "behavioral problem" out of the picture.   As a mom, I knew my son was NOT a behavioral problem.  Don't even get me started on that one!

 It was still tough.  There were always some teachers who didn't want to accommodate and The Boy's dad still doesn't think there was any problem other than that I suck as a parent.  I am just so thankful the there is such a strong Autism/Asperger's community out there getting the word out.  I hope no other parent goes through what I did.  Even if The Boy had been diagnosed when he was a preschooler, there was very little out there to help him in this state.  Now we have Mitchell's Place, which really helped The Boy when he was first diagnosed.  He attended a summer camp there and went on to do the after school program his freshman year of school.  

This is the fifth year for the annual World Autism Awareness Day and I am thrilled.  I hope it continues and helps educate the public and get the support and funding for the families, children and adults who are faced with autism every day.  I feel inspired to do whatever I can do to help get the word out.  There's no time for blame, only for action.