Ray of Sunshine (aka The Boy)

                         

"The only disability in life is

a bad attitude."

Jimmy Scott Hamilton

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."

Winston Churchill   

The Boy informed me yesterday while I was taking him to get his hair cut that he hates me and forgot how bad it was at home.  He said he thought being shut up alone in his dorm room was bad until he got back home.  Then he remembered how bad it was here.  Ouch.  And why am I so concerned about his teeth and hair and going with him to his hair and dentist appointments since I know he doesn't like going alone? Once again, it took me by surprise and hurt my feelings.  Especially after all I did to make sure his room is clean and ready for him when he got home and his refrigerator  loaded with things he likes to eat.  He tells me he's out of toiletry items and we head to the drug store to get what he needs, go to his favorite restaurant, invite him to go for walks, etc.  I racked my brain trying to figure out why it's so bad here for him.  I told him if he's so unhappy with me, then why doesn't he go live with his dad?  "That's even worse," he says.  Should I take comfort in knowing that his dad is "worse" than me even though I've ruined The Boy's life and he's better off without me?

Over the years, The Boy has blamed me for pretty much every thing that goes wrong in his life.  If he made bad grades, it was my fault. Late for school, my fault.  Internet down, my fault.   Everything was my fault.  And sometimes it really was my fault, but oops!  I am human after all.  I only play Zena, Warrior Princess (what The Murph started calling me when I was slurping down protein smoothies right and left and gained about 10 pounds of muscle)  with her stealthy panther kitty (that would be Phantom) on tv.  I do my best, but am only perfect 99.9% of the time.  The other .1% he's just gonna have to deal with.  Which is next to impossible for him to do.  The Boy just doesn't deal well.  That he gets from me.  We are Type A's.

I quit my job to stay home with The Boy and started a home daycare which I ran until he started kindergarten.  When he started school, I closed the daycare, volunteered at his elementary school whenever I could and started taking time for me while the boy was in school.  I started biking more and picked up running to help relieve some of the stress I was feeling during this time.  The Boy struggled in school.  He wasn't yet diagnosed with Aspergers's so we didn't know what was wrong.  I was an easy target to blame.   The Boy's dad blamed me when The Boy started failing in school.  "Why isn't The Boy doing better in school? You're not working .  So and So has a full time job, 3 kids and they are all making straight A's and competing in sports.  You only have one child and you don't even work.  Why isn't The Boy doing better?"  - that's what I heard, almost every day, (that I was a failure) until finally I got a job and a divorce.

The blame game stops here for me.  I love The Boy and will do all I can to help him, but ultimately he is responsible for his own life and happiness, Asperger's or not.   The Murph and I will not allow him to be disrespectful to me, which he is most of the time.  Lectures don't work, taking away privileges don't work and I really don't know what the heck will work.  He's been so negative the entire time he's been here this week that the Murph's new nickname for him is "Sunshine", since he's such a "Ray of Sunshine". At least it makes The Boy smile when he's being negative and we call him "Sunshine".

 Counseling at school is definitely in his immediate future.  I tried to make an appointment last semester just so The Boy could get acquainted with a counselor at the school should any issues come up while he is there.  The Counseling center at the school wouldn't even talk to me or let me make an appointment on his behalf since he's 19 years old and The Boy never would call to make the appointment despite the sticky notes with the phone number on it that I stuck all over his dorm room.  This time I'm going to call and hold the phone to his ear so he can tell them "Yes, I want to make an appointment".    I don't know what else to do.  This is way out of my pay level.   I want 

The Boy to be happy and POSITIVE.   Zena, Warrior Princess needs help.